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Whether your first child or children are still at the toddler stage, preschool, elementary, or even teenage years, each age offers both similar and different age specific ‘tug of the heartstrings’ of the older child when a new baby is brought into the family. For younger ones, they often do not understand where that baby even came from. If they are a bit older, they may know where it came from, but wish it would go back. Even pre-teens and teenagers, those that think most babies are just the cutest, will have days where that great green monster called Jealousy raises it’s head and sparks a secondary bout of sibling rivalry. In my house, our second child, a daughter, was six years old when our third child was born. Our oldest, a boy, was eight, and never voiced any specific concerns, but our daughter told us clearly, ‘If it’s a girl, leave it at the hospital’. Feelings of displacement in the family unit are common issues. How can you help make the transition to a larger family for everyone a bit easier? Here are a few suggestions to help you decrease sibling rivalry when bringing baby home:
Ready the household beforehand in any way possible. Do not wait until baby arrives to move an older child to a new room or bed. Any major transitions should be accomplished well before new baby arrives.
With younger children, making them aware, through photographs and baby books that they were once that little, can be an enormous icebreaker. Make sure that each child has some one-on-one time with each adult as often as possible after baby arrives. Mom and Dad should each make sure that the older kids know they are as important as the new arrival. This may take some real effort, but prevention of sibling rivalry with a new baby is the best fix of them all.
Younger children often have so many feelings of rivalry with a new baby, that they do not know how to express themselves verbally, so instead, act out physically against a new baby. Take all precautions to prevent this. Try to create some new ways to keep the older child occupied ‘away’ from baby. If they have not been allowed certain privileges, say sleeping over at a friend’s house, if they are now the ‘big’ brother or sister, maybe some ‘big’ brother or sister privileges should be added to their regular routine.
Giving an older child new responsibilities should be twofold. If you add responsibility due to baby’s arrival, also give a reward, such as a later bedtime, curfew. Added responsibilities should also be discussed and never just assume that an older child will not mind helping. Even the most easygoing child, will at times, feel overwhelmed or put upon by added tasks that come with being the ‘older’ sibling.
Do not always put baby first. Easier said then done, but for instance, if it’s baby’s feeding time, but he is quietly cooing away, and your eighth grader needs ten minutes of your time to discuss who asked him to the Sadie-Hawkins Day dance, it will not hurt for baby to wait a few minutes.
With older kids, it may not be to your liking, but remember, you and your spouse had the new baby, not your teenagers. Many parents assume that an older child means a built in babysitter, and I have never seen this happen without the older child growing to resent the younger sibling immensely. I am not saying that an older teen can never baby-sit, but don’t make it be so time consuming that while you continue to have a social life after baby arrives, your teen ceases to have one.
If you hear your older child voice dislike for the new baby, do not ignore it, but do not blow it out of proportion either. Use the opportunity to discuss with the older child why they are feeling the way they are, and what can you do to help. It may be something as simple as they do not want to have anything to do with diaper changes. If it is something on this order, work with the older child, and if it is something that is more serious, follow up and take whatever steps become necessary to make it work for everyone involved.
Last bits of advice on bringing baby home:
Never, no matter how much you think it will benefit you, exclude an older child from baby’s arrival home. Let them be included. Have baby bring a gift home to each child. Younger kids will think baby really bought the gift, while older kids will know the parents are thinking as much about them as they are the new arrival. As baby grows and becomes mobile, refrain from the saying ‘Just let the baby have it, he won’t hurt it!’ While baby may cry if he does not get his way, he will quickly move on to something else, but making an older child share ‘everything’, even his or her favorite doll or bear, may make the older child feel as if they have nothing that is their own: a sure way to set off a case of sibling rivalry at its loudest!
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